I love summer. It’s a time for beaches, bikinis, Bay of Islands, barbecues… Last year during spring, I pulled out my summer suitcase in excitement for the upcoming season. I spotted my favourite mint-green shorts. Oh, dear friend, it had been a while! Deciding to try them on, I lifted them up my legs. They paused at my hips. I began shimmying them up, shaking my hips side to side like an uncoordinated hula dancer. Just an inch more… Got them on, just. I stood in front of the mirror. Had my shorts shrunk?
In today’s world, our emotions are attached to food; we eat to celebrate holidays and festivals, we eat out with our friends, we eat during movies, we eat after break-ups, we eat for aesthetic Instagram posts, and so on. Food has become more than a substance fueling our body’s functions and providing nutrition to survive, but something that evokes joy or soothes pain. It’s difficult to admit that sometimes I have a different relationship with food - one where I fall victim to eating my emotions. However, I didn’t want to be controlled by food, thinking about it all the time, reaching for it to attempt to feel better. I wanted to mend that relationship. And I wanted to fit into all my beautiful clothes again.
Losing weight sounds so simple: eat a healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner, a couple snacks in between and do some exercise. Piece of cake! Actually, minus the cake, both literally and figuratively. Yet, it’s like the tip of an iceberg.
In my mind, ideas sprouted like branches from a fig tree. See, even here, I couldn’t escape thoughts about my next snack. One interesting action I took was starting a food log - if I was more conscious of what I was eating, surely I’d control it better. On the first few days it worked! I ate extremely well! But inevitably, like a child to a new toy, the novelty wore off. As each day went on, the food logs began to grow like Pinnochio’s nose. My initial tendencies crept back because the food log hadn’t gotten to the root of the issue: my emotional attachment. Nonetheless, the food log made me more aware of what I was eating, and recognition would be the first step to results.
Another idea to implement was having accountability partners. My mum offered to help me with my eating by checking my food logs and providing feedback. She was the anchor keeping me focused on my goal. It felt special to have someone I loved acting as a mentor. At the same time, I began running with my older brother. We were able to improve together, getting faster and fitter, as well as at times, emotions like stress or sadness would be released through my pounding feet. Working with family helped me to adopt a healthier lifestyle, and from then onwards, my journey has been an upwards one (or a downwards one, from the scale’s perspective).
I’d been relying on food to deal with my emotions, when I should have been relying on the support of the people around me. In many occasions, the tangible acts as a bridge to the intangible - like having food to celebrate, alcohol to socialise a party, or even playing video games with friends. Sometimes the distinction between these two spheres can be blurred. It’s not the tangible that should be our focus, but our connection to the people we’re with; this is the part that creates special experiences and memories. More often these days, rather than looking forward to my next meal, I’ll look forward to the moments where my busy family can spend time together, whether that’s through having dinner, a lovely outing, or just talking together while drinking (ironically as a Chinese family) English Breakfast tea.
I still struggle with my food intake, and with separating my emotions from food. Sometimes I get consumed in contemplation about ways to be healthier, as though I’m falling down a rabbit hole, but I’ve come to realise I should focus on taking baby steps. It’s a journey! It is now autumn. I recently dug into my wardrobe, and found my favourite shorts. There was no shimmying this time; they slid right on up.
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