We all have an ideal version of ourselves in our mind. That person may look happier, more driven, more attractive, have a certain skill set, or spend their time each day in a certain way. When we take a step towards becoming that person, it can feel quite exciting - so much so that we may feel the need for external validation.
Ask yourself...
Have you ever subtly slid into a conversation with your family, friends, or partner how today you woke up early, or didn’t go on social media much at all, or did lots of house chores? Or maybe you’ll tag onto a conversation that you’re gonna go for a run, or gonna go and be productive and work on your side business now! When you tune into it, you'll notice yourself or others doing it every now and then.
I call this the 'subtle brag'.
A 'subtle brag' signifies that the behaviour is unusual for you. Because it's infrequent, you get excited and want to bring it up.
It’s like eating your favourite food. When you get to have it once in a while you cherish it, and feel like it's the most delicious thing in the world, but the more often you have it, the less exciting it gets.
Surprise, surprise, the food’s taste doesn’t change, but rather, our perception does.
Similarly, when you carry out a behaviour you like once in a while, or for the first time, you won’t be used to it, so you’ll feel proud. Whether you realise it or not, you may feel the need for others to know too to feel validated - resulting in the subtle brag.
On the other hand, if your positive behaviour is consistent, it will blend into the rest of your life, feeling natural, normal, and not worth drawing attention to.
Why People Try to Inflate their Status
In “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It”, Christopher Voss mentions how when negotiating with a team of criminals in a hostage situation, the more important the criminal tries to make themselves sound, the less important they probably are within the team and vice versa.
This also happens in workplaces where lower-level, long-time employees will joke about their expertise and experience, while those higher in leadership often acknowledge themselves far less; they feel more secure and confident in themselves and their positions. This is akin to the subtle brag, where we naturally want to inflate our progress towards our goals.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the subtle brag; when you are making progress, it is important to recognise and celebrate those achievements. Sharing this with others is also amazing.
It is simply a mental checkpoint to help you understand your psychology.
Increase the frequency of your positive actions to make them your new normal.
Here is another example.
One time I met a new person and noticed she kept subtly sliding “gym” into the conversation - how she was spending a lot of time there, how fantastic it was, and so on.
She wouldn’t call it ‘the gym', but ‘her gym'. People may use possessives to link or dissociate themselves from objects or actions. For example, a criminal might say 'the car' instead of 'my car' when discussing a vehicle used in a crime, attempting to create a psychological separation.
(This is why Clinton saying "I did not have sexual relations with THAT woman" was very telling).
This girl subconsciously wanted more people to notice her healthy actions. I asked, “hey, so uh, how long have you been going to the gym?” Her reply: “Just over a week now.” Made sense.
A few months later I spoke to her again and the topic of the gym didn't come up. I asked if she's still going and she said "yep, I go most days after school".
Being passionate vs subtle brags
You can tell when someones doing a subtle brag compared to when they are talking about a passion or hobby because they will specifically link themselves to the action. For example, instead of talking about a book (signifying they like reading), they’ll be talking about how they recently read the book (they're proud). Instead of talking about body-building and the gym, they’ll be talking about how they went to the gym today and exercised really hard.
Remember this:
If you have established a healthy habit, it will not be revolutionary to you. Therefore, you will not need to show it off.
Once you have nailed a healthy habit and made it part of your life, others will see you doing it instead of having to hear about it. They will notice your body is looking healthier, see you studying hard on the weekends, or sense your increased energy when you’ve been sleeping more.
Through understanding this concept, you can more easily gauge your progress for goals and habits - if you catch yourself doing the subtle brag, or feeling excited about a positive action you took, you know you still have work to do! It will increase awareness for yourself, and others. Best of luck in building healthy habits. Make them a part of who you are, and become your best self!
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